I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
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