At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
