when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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