and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
