I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Randomize
