hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
