I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
