I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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