I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
