Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
