So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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