Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Randomize
