My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
