Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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