I looked at my own cervix.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
