Will you blow on my dice?
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
