She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize