God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
