That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
