The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
