I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
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