I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
