im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
