i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
