I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
