make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
