You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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