there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Randomize
