Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
