so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
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I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
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Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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