I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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