im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
