You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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