Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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