An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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