So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
he fucked my hip out of place.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
