im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
