can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
