It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
