i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
