my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
