So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
