i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
