Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
