i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
