were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
