I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
