$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
