I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
