I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
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