Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
