after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
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Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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