either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
