Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
