K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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