I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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