No stitches, just platelets and will power
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize
