I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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